Finally, the true religious festival of our age is upon us. A day when the nation comes together to pay homage to the cult of capitalism and prostrate themselves to that great big cash register in the sky. For it is ‘Black Friday’; a relatively new day bestowed to us from our benevolent overlords to mark the day after the American national holiday of ‘Thanksgiving’ – a yearly festival in which hundreds of millions of Americans gather in their family homes to celebrate the ritual slaughter and resulting holocaust of the indigenous population.
However, as with all annual events the day itself is just not enough. We need another day to mop up the residual joy and fervour that such an event as Thanksgiving whips into our souls. The fact that we Brits have absolutely no relationship with this holiday whatsoever is of no importance. We now share ‘Black Friday’ because there is a latent and unsaid acceptance that these ‘holidays’ are illusory – that what we share and what truly comes to define us is a rampant, vicious and frenzied desire to violently compete for the right to own a discounted 50” inch 4K TV set.
So, as you gather together the pennies accumulated from your zero-hours contracts, we would like to offer you our ‘Black Friday’ playlist. This will be best enjoyed sitting on a mound of patchy earth overlooking your local ASDA listening through the headphones you wrestled from a vulnerable and confused pensioner on a patio chair you drop-kicked a pregnant woman for at the check-out counter.
These boys had the right idea - why wait like a mug when you can storm the place for a 100% discount.
This is no damned time to be shy or accommodating - embrace the horror!
Worried all of these possessions and material things won't fill the cavernous void permeating every nuance of your soul? Don't be. They will.
You are still a human being - with dreams and hopes and love and compassion. You are intelligent. You make you're own choices. No, really...you do. YOU REALLY DO, OK!!!!
Wondering why you are here? What you are doing? Where the meaning is? Don't fret. All of the answers are located on aisle four