Footballers who now look like Mums or Grannies
We have zero scientific evidence how this body-swap phenomena occurs - but it does (trust us) - and it’s happening in every football stadium across the land...
1) Steve Bruce
The hair’s a dead giveaway, the granny side-parting. In his true alternative life he was probably a tetchy dinner-lady who always wore the same coat regardless of the beaming sun, the pelting rain or the brass cold snow. Back at home, the hard dinner lady/Bruce had two sons – two big lads – who would also grow up to look the dead spit of their mum and continue the cycle.
2) Mark Hughes
With a face made out of various-sized triangles, Hughes was once a bit of a heartthrob: this being the 80’s anybody could have been a heartthrob (see Dennis Waterman and the brilliantly named Dirty Den – Leslie Grantham). With his curly mullet, almost-speedo-like-shorts and football acrobatics, he had everything an 80’s footballer needed to win over the females, but then something happened; he became a manager and turned into Supergran and you wouldn’t be surprised to now see him pitch-side wearing furry boots bought from posted catalogues.
3) Fernando Torres
Frequently proclaimed as a lady boy by opposition fans, Torres was born to be the mirror image of a mum. The hair-band period didn’t help, nor the long bleached blond hair, and then when he cottoned on that these distinctly feminine touches did nothing for his macho persona he opted for the number one all over which only made him look like a female prison detainee in a hardcore lesbian porn scene.
4) Jermain Defoe
In Defoe’s alternative female-life he’s a savvy salon-owner who takes no nonsense from men – or, in other words, an Eastenders cliche. The staff love Defoe for this, the young girls in particular; they idolise her uncompromising tough stance and the determined way she seems to keep it all together. In return, she keeps her short-temper under wraps and is firm but fair. On nights out, men and women are drawn to her, but she never succumbs, and is always immaculate and with-it in the morning, prepared to hold it all together for another day.
5) Jose Mourinho
He’s not quite there – not fully – but he’s turning. Give him a few years and he’ll have swapped his stylish black mac for an all-weather plastic roll-up one. He may even be the sort of old woman who is in possession of boundless - and slightly mad – energy: the sort who see public transport as a theatre for their pettily effective insanity.
6) Manuel Pellegrini
Where Roy Hodgson appears distinctly-owl-like in his facial features, Pellegrini is a curious mixture of Zelda Terrahawk – shit-scary TV puppet from the 80’s – and Eastender Shirley Carter (Linda Henry) – shit scary TV puppet from the noughties. He has the air of a polite Chilean grannie about him as well, with eternally confusing eyes: calm-looking one second, then wild, then calm, then wild...
7) Joe Hart
“Darling, I’m going out for brunch with the girls’, says mum Joe Hart to her supremely wealthy husband, whilst zipping up her bright-white jacket. “I’ll see you later. We’ll eat out later yeah darling. Cool.” Rich husband nods his head, knowing he’s being rinsed at all corners. He should have known it from the off: Joe’s a well-to-do money grabber, a blonde gold-digger. Uncommonly tall for a woman as well, she also hated – loathed even – the post-pregnancy period. “I look like a fat fucking Chav!” But it wasn’t long before she was back out with the girls, glugging Grigio at 3pm, laughing at the poor before falling back into her ‘cute’ Range Rover to fart around Cheshire in.
8) Mark Lawrenson
Son of idle cartoon character Droopy Dog, it doesn’t matter how much he tries to cover up his femininity, Lawrenson is all woman which is odd because in his classic ‘tache and tight short 80’s heyday he was going for the ‘all man’ look: small surprise that this was also a look that was strongly represented in gay bars and nightclubs throughout the world (this is where it all gets unfathomably complicated – which should be a Facebook status option). He’s the type of mum who’s alright up to a point – bit tetchy, bit too high-pitched – but alright, generous, soft even, prone to acts of unexpected lavishness, until she flips and wants ‘respect’.
9) Steve McManaman
The hairdresser’s favourite customer, Steve’s mum-role and mum-ways are so easy-going, so hands-off, they border on being abusive. She’s a watch-what-you-like-oh-you-haven’t-been-drinking-again-have-you? – Type. Her son’s mates love it round Steve’s house. It’s carnal and lawless: spliffs upstairs, music whacked right up - top one la. Steve just leaves them to it; so long as the hairdressers stays open, Steve’s a happy mum.
10) Alex Ferguson
The steaming enigma - is it a man, woman or something else? – Alex roams the streets of Manchester asking strangers for booze money, fighting with herself, berating herself, tapping her wrist where once her watch lay, throwing her last shoe at a visibly vain man who she thinks is David Beckham and spitting, always spitting: but now her teeth are few and her mind fried and sozzled as homeless Alex falls asleep every night outside the Etihad Stadium mistaking it for her old home Old Trafford. Goodnight boys.