Britain’s Hippest Football Clubs
Literally five of the most on fleek teams in like the whole of Dalston or whatevs.
5 – Swansea City
Ground: Liberty Stadium (20,827)
Location: West Glamorgan, Wales
League: Premier League
Hipster Rating: Taylor Swift
They might be in the Premier League, the veiniest of all Satan’s throbbing football cocks, but the Barcelona of Wales have been a spunky addition since arriving in 2011.
And let’s face it, not being English makes them barely Premier League at all. Fan owned, and hell-bent on playing attractively, their football has propelled both Roberto Martinez and Brendan Rogers on to ‘bigger’ things. Even uber-cool Euro fun-boys Paulo Sousa and Michael Laudrup gave them a go.
4 – Fulham
Ground: Craven Cottage (25,700)
Location: West London, England
Hipster Rating: The Observer and chill
The least offensive team in all of the land.
And to become such while Mohamed Al-Fayed pumped in millions is nearly as ridiculous as riding a Penny-Farthing to work, or mixing home and away fans. They’re the only UK team with permission to do so, because, as mentioned, no one hates Fulham.
They’re somewhat old-hat since their relegation from the Premier League in 2014, but what hipster doesn’t love their favourite old hat?
3 – Lewes FC
Ground: The Dripping Pan (3,000)
Location: East Sussex, England
League: Isthmain League Premier Division
Hipster rating: Oh, you won’t have heard of them.
Only consumerist pigs watch football in England’s premier six tiers, so for something purer, you’re going to have to look to the Isthmain League Premier Division.
Lewes FC were offering fans the chance to buy shares in the club long before Real Oviedo made it cool, having been member-owned since 2010. For a mere 30 quid a year you get a vote during their elections and an addition to your #pingame with a banging owner pin badge. Members also get discounts at local independent businesses, which is like the most decent thing one human can do for another these days.
They lose a shit-heap of cool-points for having Mumford and Sons play in a fundraising footy tournament in 2013, though gain them all back through their famous match posters.
2 – FC United of Manchester
Ground: Broadhurst Park (4,400)
Location: Moston, England
League: National League North
Hipster Rating: Rather be dead than cool
It stank of Man United fans throwing their toys out of the pram when they formed in 2005, but FCUM have proven themselves one of the most correct-thinking clubs in the country.
Ran by fans as a co-operative with a democratically elected board, they also make a fuck-load of noise on the terraces. Their brand new terraces. The club’s main sponsors don’t appear on the shirt, and they’re yet to pay any agents. Whether that will have to change if they’re to climb the leagues remains to be seen, but you can’t fault them for trying. Likewise with their recent dispute with the FA over the moving of their FA Cup first round tie for TV. In the previous round they got all aloof hipster, refusing the BBC access for some weird Match of the Day Live Experience concept-thingy, saying “football is not a TV gameshow”.
1 – Dulwich Hamlet
Ground: Champion Hill (3,000)
Location: South London, England
League: Isthmian League Premier Division
Hipster rating: Topshop Ramones t-shirt
To call Dulwich Hamlet hipster punk is a bit harsh. They are after all a fanbase with strong political beliefs. They’re essentially Britain’s answer to St Pauli, which is inspiring and depressing in equal measure.
If more teams were like Dulwich Hamlet, Britain would be a much better place. They’re anti-fascist, anti-homophobia, and anti-just-about-anything-shitty. It isn’t just about the politics; of course they sell craft beer, of course they sell bratwurst, and of course they play in pink and blue. Every game at Champion Hill is like a carnival, and they have a whole carpark just for micro-scooters*.
They get involved with community activism such as supporting food banks, and campaigning for a living wage, and they’re mates with a sound German team called Altona 93. The Isthmian League Premier Division, I’m telling you.